Good Enough Mother
A few nights ago around the dinner table, I told my kids (eh…half-jokingly?) that I was afraid that people would expect me to be a perfect parent if they knew I was a QUOTE parenting expert (exaggerated air quotes). My witty fourteen-going-on-seventy-seven-year-old (her birthday list: a glass teapot, knitting needles, and a New Yorker t-shirt) gently laughed and, turning her face to me, said: “I thought parenting experts knew that parents don’t need to be experts?”
Um. Well. Yes.
The secret is out. You don’t have to be an expert. You definitely don’t have to be perfect. You really are already good enough. The Good Enough Mother, a term coined by British psychologist David Winnicot, is the mother who tries to be present (but not always), who tries to repair (most of the time) when she messes up, and who is just showing up (imperfectly) day after day. The Good Enough mother is beautifully described by J. Kunst:
“Winnicott’s good enough mother is sincerely preoccupied with being a mother. She pays attention to her [child]. She provides a holding environment. She offers both physical and emotional care. She provides security. WHEN SHE FAILS, SHE TRIES AGAIN. She weathers and allows painful feelings. She makes sacrifices. Winnicott’s good enough mother is not so much a goddess; she is a gardener.”
The Good Enough Mother is the cornerstone of what we are hoping to do at Upstream. We love the Good Enough Mother. She is our mascot. She works so hard! She’s tired and depleted a lot, and she finds it hard to find restoration and repletion, but she has her hands in the dirt. Our goal for every encounter with Upstream is that you are encouraged to work from a place of rest and wholeness rather than striving, exhaustion, and anxiety. We want you to feel regulated, consoled, and empowered when you interact with anything to do with Upstream. We are so committed to this that we have one small favor to ask of you:
If you ever encounter something with Upstream that brings up guilt, shame, and anxiety, REACH OUT TO US. We want you to raise the white flag and say, “This doesn’t feel right. You’re making me want to eat a tub of cookie dough while scanning Pinterest boards for creative lunch ideas and chore charts.” You should never have to leave a parenting blog with a sick pit in your stomach. Change happens in the context of relationship and empathy, not loneliness and dysregulation, and so it is our commitment to you to create safe spaces for community and being known. We want to welcome you into new conversations, new relationships, and a new experience of rest.
Stay tuned for more. Until then, carry on with your good enough-ness.